Hey, what ?!

I was just sitting here and John was telling me about a man in Miami who was shot and killed for be under the influence of bath salts which caused him to eat another mans face. I being skeptical looked it up and it was the most disturbing thing I have ever seen on the computer or read about in the news .What is the world coming to?

What next?: Why is it that when I can't sleep (damn demons ke...

What next?: Why is it that when  I can't sleep (damn demons ke...: Why is it that when  I can't sleep (damn demons kept me up all night haunting my dreams) and I finally get up take a  hot bath. I try to be...

Why is it that when  I can't sleep (damn demons kept me up all night haunting my dreams) and I finally get up take a  hot bath. I try to be quite so not to disturb my boyfriend  or his mother who ,Yes is on a ventilator in the living room . I try so hard to not bother anyone and when he gets disturbed by coming out of the bath room its as if I threw a bomb in the  bedroom . But, when he wakes up every morning ,on goes the television and then he gets in the shower ,What the heck hes in the shower why does he need to have the T.V. on? I have a Doctors appointment this morning because I have a fractured right elbow . I sometimes feel as if I to walk on egg shells around here . I do so much taking care of his mother while he is at work , Keeping the house clean and up . I am over whelmed being cook , nurse ,house keeper . I don't know who the hell I am anymore . I feel as if I get no respect . Over Easter some of their family came and wanted to know if I thought she might want to go to a nursing home back in Boone where she came from . 1st off why the hell are you asking me?I am not related to anyone here . It isn't up to me .Okay maybe they were asking me because I do have a fractured arm and it is hard on me but still its not up to me . I try to do the best I can .but I feel like it doesn't matter . I was just asked what I was doing and I said venting I mean if I say anything to him try to talk about how I am feeling I get the  ''I am bitching or complaining look '' so now I type to space . So  no one gets hurt except me because I feel as if who cares as long as I take care of his mom . I know I said I would do it  in December to get her out of the hospital  but I like an idiot thought that we would get help from his family .... I know stupid right .?.

What next?: Well,

What next?: Well,: Well, I am awake .Smitty has these choking fits and she had one about 30 minutes ago. John sprung  up and through the room he went bounced o...

Well,

Well, I am awake .Smitty has these choking fits and she had one about 30 minutes ago. John sprung  up and through the room he went bounced off the dresser . bless his heart to find nothing more than she was coughing . Man good reaction  time. (I have never seen him move that fast before in my life , well ....except for that  other time and that was to get some woman out of my hair LITERALLY  hahahaha ......) Some ladies just don't like me .But hey it 's all good . I could care less who likes me and who don't .Never have and never will .  But any way back to what I was saying .So I am awake .I gave Smitt a breathing treatment took a shower and I am just sitting here watching her sleep . So John can sleep . I will try to get some rest later. Its a tirless job but like I say to others ''Someone has to do it ''. I get alot of Thanks yous and this and that but ,You know something none of that matters to me . Smitty needs me like no one has before .We spend just about every moment together .I spend more time with her than my own children as she with me . Let me ask you this .How much do you care people ? You know people your not related to . When my mother had the big BC and was in rehab. to try to walk they treated her like just another sick person . They didn't treat her well and she couldn't leave until her time ran out in that place I went and pickedher up at 11pm and they tried to discharge her late . Its all about the money .The jack . Those places use sick  and the elderly  for money . I don't get paid for taking care of her . I get only breaks here and there for just a short amount of time .My relationship with her son is okay most days ,but I feel like I am starting to get recentful . I am burning out .He does what he can when he can but I still take the largest part of it all on .I mean he works during the day and needs to sleep at night ,so he can work during the day. There is the company of my daughters (they are my best friends) they help with what they can house work so and so on .But  I tell you it is still hard to not do everything . It's hard tyo let someone clean my kitchen ,when there are certain ways I have things .And then I think of Smitty who can't get out of bed .She has to have me do everything for her ,clean her ,cook for her , wipe her ass (as she says she makes me laugh) and I know how lucky I am and I get so overwhelmed by things I just go find a quite place to myself and just cry . I made a comment on face book about how as sick as she is you would think someone would call to check on her .And a wildfire started . I didn't point anyone out , but man did the ravings come from all directions  ''my mom writes letters''and ''so and so calls John '',back and forth it was the saddest thing I have ever seen . The guilt of others pouring over in to the largest bunch of its not us ,your full of it, pot of crap you have ever seen . When all I meant was I know she can't talk but she can  hear you and she speaks but only to those who can read her lips.But anyway her face lights up when someone would call her and speaks to her personally .Was all I meant .I am here with her my boyfriend ,my children and we know who comes by and who doesn't ,and we know when a phone does not ring . But the good thing that happen is weeks of no personal calls to her .... the phone started ringing . I found out along time ago sometime you have to ring a bell to be heard ,and with out intent I was heard and Smitty smiles a little more because there are people calling to talk to her .And for those childish ,spoiled ,self centered ,grown asspeople that have nothing better to do then play games and talk smack ,and you know how you are .KISS MY ROSEY RED REAR!!!!!

Don't you just hate .......

Don't you just hate when people assume something that has nothing to do with them ? For instance I make one comment  on one of those social networks  people come out of the wood work to put in their two cents and then someone else chimes in and  than before you know it there is a pissing contest and it is coming only  from the ones  that have some sort of guilty conscience  running their mouths . Oh , lets just jump to the state of Dah.! Who gives a crap what your reasons are an excuse is still and excuse .  I didn't air anything personal .  If anything personal was aired it came from  someone with a guilty conscience .What is that saying ? If it smells like a turd and looks like a turd  , It damn sure must be a turd .  Too funny ..... All I know is that (we work hard at what we do )and  for those that don't  ,leave those of us  that do the Hell Alone . Lol  I have to much to do taking care of those people I love and care about . My Family . Oh here is another good saying ''You can't  fix Stupid''.

What next?: Ok , Smitt made it home from the Hospital yesterda...

What next?: Ok , Smitt made it home from the Hospital yesterda...: Ok , Smitt made it home from the Hospital yesterday, I was trained to change the trac before we took a ride in the ambulance to get her hom...

Ok , Smitt made it home from the Hospital yesterday, I was trained to change the trac before we took a ride in the ambulance to get her home . So that makes so far , I know all about the  operation of the Ventialtor .( check )Nebulizer machine and the meds for said machine (check) . S.A.S.H. which is her I.V. meds. and technique that I do  manually... (check) . Oh  yes and changing the dagdone Trac (check) That one took the longest because I had to find the right Doctor to give the ok on And his said he does not do that but ... because he has heard such good things about me he will give the clearance . So now I am wondering who and why are people in the medical profession talking about me. I am just one woman taking care of somebody elses mom. I get so upset some times I don't mean to . But , I do more for this woman than I ever had to do for my mother( her IV she had a machine) . I didn't have to give my mother breathing treatments , And she never I mean never used to the bed pan with me either. So I hope you can see why I get so sad some times. It is hard on me , but I do it for John and his family because I know what it will be like when they lose there mom. Because I lost mine . I miss her ever so much . And I don't think I am appreciated for what I do , but I trudge one penniless oh yes I don't get paid for what I do .On call 24hours a day with a break only when Smitt goes back into the hospital . And don't let me get started on the arguments. Is it worth all the heart ache ? I hope ....... Well and on top of all that at this pee hour in the morning I get the bed pan so Smitt could use it on the way to empty it out John 's little min pin took a crap in the floor and guess what I did on my way to the bathroom to empty the bedpan ? I HATE THAT DOG!!!! I am  a cat person they at least you a box. Like my life just keeps getting better . And for those of you who find that last part funny .... Walk one day in my shoes and see  just how funny it really is ......

She feels how she feels....

No one said you were an ass! I have shit to do and dont have a phone strapped to my ass 24 hours a day.!  And Cherokee gave me her phone cause her grades were bad .Know she  has her phone back  and she finally told you again how she feels .Look here dude dont bring us into your crap . I have know you a long..... time . I don't know why your back other than because Hanna got hit . I do not  push you around Keith . How do I make you feel like shit? Because of what Your Wife tried to do to my Family . Tore us apart! and you stood by her . I know you have your kids to think about . but Cherokee thought she was one of them at one time and You pushed her away , You didn't have time for her those were your choices not hers . If you feel like shit that is something you have done not me . I have only tried to keep my kid happy and safe. I know Cindy started all of this and than you called a month later after it calmed down and said you did it . remember?
 Keith I love you , you were  my only friend . And you of all people should know you can't make everyone happy . You have to make you happy. Cherkoee is hurt . She feels like you kicked her aside when you had kids of your own . She feels she has been forgotten by someone . You can't just blow into town and try to spend on her and blow back out again . She is growing up Keith and she sees what is going on .  You left  and left Cindy to tell her . And then Cindy tried did the unspeakable by tring to put me in jail to have Cherokee for a babysitter . (That what my neighbor and  my friend Tiffany told me  when Cindy went nextdoor ) Keith , Cherokee is so torn up and she has been since you left the first and didn't tell her . She has been sent things with cuse words on them ,naked pictures of Cindy on em ,she has been forgotten , sent things that dont work ,. If she was your daughter and your were her dad you would of made sure that all of that didn't happen . You would of done a better job protecting her . And what of the time when you and cindy let her drink and you laughed at her when she drank to much . Keith parents dont did that .And please don't use wanting to be closer to Cherokee as your reason for moving back . It is because of Hanna and Cindy .And I am sick and tired to being blamed for all of this !!!! Mom did this. or your mom didn't do that . Its done! you can't blame me anymore. She feels how she feels. Let me know when you get back and I will give you your what ever . You were my friend for sometime and then you were gone .And I don't mean to Texas either .

What next?: I AM SORRY........

What next?: I AM SORRY........: On Valentines Day , we had to take my mother-in-law (soon to be maybe some day )anyway .We had to call 911 to get some help with Smitty .She...

I AM SORRY........

On Valentines Day , we had to take my mother-in-law (soon to be maybe some day )anyway .We had to call 911 to get some help with Smitty .She was clammy and pale and I tried to the best of my ability to remain calm and tell the EMS teams what was going on, what her  meds. are ,What she had ,When she had it  ,and so on . I ride with her to the Hospital  , and than we stayed with her for many hours until finally they tell us she is being moved to the 4th Floor .  ICU , and on top of that ! Room 7 ! I know your like so what . Right ? Well , I suddenly become cold ,I felt like I am going to be sick . And as we sit in the waiting room I have flash backs of my mother being in that very same room and as I  write of it know I am tearing up . The Nurse came and asked for the son of Mrs. Richards and John stood up .She says ''I have to ask you a few questions ''he starts to follow her and as he walks by me ,he stops and told me to came on . I said '' I am ok .'' He tries again and to get me to come and I couldn't move  , Just sitting there so scared to have to walk throw those doors again . He finally went on . I sat there remembering her in there being so fragile ,so small . I miss her so much .Than John soon came back up at the door and says '' They are asking questions and I don't know the answers to.'' I get up and took a deep breath and walked threw the double doors .Walked straight to the room and fighting back tears answer the questions . I held it together the best I could . I told Smitty about it when John stepped out of the room .She said she was sorry '' and I replied '' Its not your fault of the room they put you in .'' I told her I loved her and and then we came home. The next day I called John and asked If I should bring the bed frame Cherokee had painted for her room and he says ''I thought you were going to the hospital?'' I said ''I am I just thought it was going to rain . He was like what ever ,Dear . I brought the bed in and did a house cleansing( I know sounds crazy , but it really works.) Myself and one of my daughters go to the hospital as we go up to her room and we walk up to the double doors my chest becomes tight  and I become angry ,as I watch  Smitt talk to me I begin to find it hard to understand what she is saying ,I can't concentrate and I become more frustrated not at Smitty , but uncomfortable I knew John was going to come and since you can only have to visitors at a time I told Smitt I loved her and so my daughter didn't have to sit in the waiting room alone we were going to go . As we left the hospital I began to feel less pain I was a mess all day yesterday ,I mean February 14th that was my grandfather whom just pasted away's Birthday,and the remembrance of my mothers tragic fight with Breast Cancer to wit tore her away from me . I am sorry that I have let you down . I am sorry that I can not be here for you at this time in need . I will be there as best I can for Smitt but I just can't go to ICU . My heart breaks I can  take of her at home and will do that until I die if need be , but I can not go to ICU at this time .I AM SORRY.........

Okay,

Here is the low down ,down low as you might say . I didn't get the EMS non-transport  transport .So she didn't get to the Doctors office .Dumbasses . Someone need to put a foot in their ass . So I took it upon myself to contact .Dr.Van Ike /Dr. Ming  there office is able to do house calls . And they have a N.P.A. that would love to come and treat Moms for what ever she may need . (I don't know why I was told to do it the other way My way was so much more productive . )I will be getting paperwork tomorrow ,fill it out ... and that .Will be that! . It was so nice 911 called me back a little bit ago to see if see how I made out if I rescheduled and I  just simply said nope I found Dr.s that will come to her so I don't need transport assistance anymore but thank you very much (and by the way they need to straighten out some things with their scheduling system).Moral to the story boys and girls always go with your gut.Mine was telling me to do it my way but I tried it their way and look at the aggravation it caused. I don't want to over step my bounds with the care of Moms but I  guess if I stick with  with my instincts every thing will be gravy man Gr...ravy....

LISTEN TO THIS LOGIC

I called last week to set up non emergency transport for Smitt they called back talked to supervisor and conformed time was told to me at 2:30 today .Okay at 2:40 I call and no answer . I figured well it is EMS maybe there is an emergency . So I wait and call again . I get voice mail for the transport supervisor . I leave a message , and than I call 911 tell them it is a non emergency and told them what was going on and whom I talked with last week ,so then they put me on hold and than  I speak to a man who tries to tell me they didn't have a call for an appointment I said'' I was told 2:30 and I had to make an appointment ?'' They said ''No , we don't have you scheduled for 2:30 we don't have a non emergency transport available for at least 45 minutes .'' I said ''Well I guess I can reschedule her appointment and he said sure that would be fine ,But we may not have EMS available at that time either.'' So I'm like what the hell ?!.Why didn't they say when I made the appointment that they may not even be able to make it . Maybe I can talk with Nell the charge nurse at the Dr's office and make other arrangements . But I have to wait  until 4 for her to check her messages .

                               Bunch of crap ....

Well ,

Well here we are one week later , Smitty has been here from Hospital . She seems to  be doing well she has a doctors appointment @3pm . I hav made arrangements with the EMS for transport and hopefully it wont be raining when we go . I believe all will go well that is the only way to think about these things . Before when she was in Kindred you wouldn't of thought that she would last this long but with someone regulating her medications and a good diet with a lot of fruits and vegi's. She has good color , good BP ranging from 1teens up into the 120s  , O2 intake has been up in the high 90s since she has been here . Don't you just hate that when people say they know a patient when they have no clue .? I have searched her body and I couldn't find an expiration date on her any where ..'' Does any one else find that a bit stupid? I mean we all are mortal creatures but why take her life away while she is still alive? That is what wrong , to many people give up because of what a Doctor might say. They are not Gods .  And know I am having an issues with the ordering of  a therapeutic trapezes for working on her upper body strength .They "the Dr's" that is keep pushing for a Hoyer Lift . I am arguing that she needs to build up her upper body strength and than she would be able to get in and out of her seen to arrive wheel chair , and they tell  me that  ''That is what the Hoyer is for so she doesn't need the trapeze ." The Nurses that have been here are really amazed by how on top of things I am by having her meals planned out a month a ahead  and I have her calorie intake all worked out . I am watching her meds closer that they did at the Hospital . She's not all doped up on pain meds. She is comfortable . But any way they ask me have you ever thought about being licensed ? I have to laugh . And I say ''Nope, not for this .''

WOW....

How do you know enough is enough ? Okay , first off every thing went better than expected at the hospital appointment that I had . There was some thing on the mammogram but they tell me it is just fatty tissue and breast fibers ? Who knew ....breast  fibers ?  Well it is day two of taking care of my almost  mother in law . And her being here from the hospital . I am not as tried as I thought I would be . Yet . with getting up in the middle of the night to suction her trac , making sure she is comfortable ,cooking for her, cleaning her, all around care cause some one needs to do it .  ( Anyway ....)So far I am on top of things . My boyfriend than tells my daughter yesterday  that I am sending him to the poor house . I am just trying to make sure his mother has everything she needs I can't help it he has no help except from his own family with paying for her medications and supplies that her insurance doesn't cover . It is hard  on him . I try to make it easy for him though, I keep the house clean (well I did that anyway ), have dinner ready when he is ready to eat supper and I also have his lunch ready when he comes home for lunch and  mind you I am taking care of his mom 24 hours a day .That is where this may come in handy as a vent you know if I get a little too worked up I can come here to keep from pinching any ones head off. My feet are killing me though .

What next?: Yoga ,

What next?: Yoga ,: It's amazing that when one tries to rest the phone must ring. With all that is going on with me and my extended family or future family how ...

Yoga ,

It's amazing that when one tries to rest the phone must ring. With all that is going on with me and my extended family or future family how ever you want to look at it .Yoga does help me when I feel blue .

I sit and I stare into space ,
with a sore back needing to find some grace.
I think to myself what can I do ,
To keep my self healthy and to not  feel blue .

Yoga , I yell ...
what can it hurt ,so what the hell.
I am sad and sore ,
so I sit on the floor .

I stretch and breath ,
I bend and breath ,
In and out
Up and down .

I try to think of nothing at all .Do you know how hard it is to think of nothing at all?

But still I stretch and breath ,
In and out .
I bend and breath ,
Up and down .

 Is it working ? Sure it is I fell better , and now my back doesn't hurt  ,and my mind is empty. Probably not the deep lingering concept for Yoga but , I feel better . Isn't that all that matters?

A tunnel my daughter and made her first trip to Boone .
(Just sharing memories ....)

Gathering strength ....

As I walk up the stairs to my front door ,  reaching for the handle on the storm door than unlock the front door I am washed over with the since of confusion and with the feelings of what next ?What is going on ? Let me back up a bit . I went for a mammogram last week seeings how I am now 40 and that my mother pasted away from what was thought to be breast cancer but her final diagnoses was Carcinoma other wise known as CUP (Carcinoma of Unknown Primary ) They thought is was breast cancer because of the location . So know here am . I just went threw training so we can bring my future husbands mother home from the hospital . Stressing over that and 24 ventilator training coming up and Advance people coming by to inspect my home to tell me what I need to take care of her  . I get a phone call from my Doctors office telling me that something showed up in the mammogram .Something , maybe nothing ?.!. I'm like ? Ok? So the nurse says"?It's gray blurry something and we just want to get an ultrasound to see what it may or may not be". How do some people get there jobs? That was insane .
     So here I am ,wondering what the heck .  All I heard after that was" next Thursday @ 8:50 am Outpatient Center ". I ask " Is there anyway we can do this sooner than next Thursday my mother in law is coming to stay with us so I can take care of her " and she than replies "I tried to find an earlier one but that is as soon as they can get it ". Now I am worried ."The earliest . Well it must be something , this possible nothing or why would she be trying to get me there earlier. And now there is today my youngest daughter gets up and goes to school my future husband gets up take a shower and goes to work . ..... .I am alone in the house . It's gray and cloudy outside  .Going to rain sometime . Did I say alone? I started thinking and thinking ,for some people that is not such a good thing to do . At point in time that some people was me . I know grammar is sucking right now,but gosh darn it I am freaking out here . I thought well maybe it's stress ." Stress" ya that does strange things to people . I thought  about Smitty that's my future mother in law . I am thinking about my girls ''I have 3 and 1 grandson " (whom I don't get to see due to choices made by his parent).
Anyway I was rambling .I receive a phone call today and by the way it is Wednesday  and it is from the Hospital in my home town so I am really buggin out . I wasn't expecting  that ,   like I was expecting any of this . And it is that remind me of my appointment for tomorrow @8:50 am . WHAT! I thought I had time to wrap my head around all this . So need less to say I am gather strength . I have calmed down so doing this blog may help . If you have been in a situation similar to mine lets chat .