What next?: I AM SORRY........

What next?: I AM SORRY........: On Valentines Day , we had to take my mother-in-law (soon to be maybe some day )anyway .We had to call 911 to get some help with Smitty .She...

I AM SORRY........

On Valentines Day , we had to take my mother-in-law (soon to be maybe some day )anyway .We had to call 911 to get some help with Smitty .She was clammy and pale and I tried to the best of my ability to remain calm and tell the EMS teams what was going on, what her  meds. are ,What she had ,When she had it  ,and so on . I ride with her to the Hospital  , and than we stayed with her for many hours until finally they tell us she is being moved to the 4th Floor .  ICU , and on top of that ! Room 7 ! I know your like so what . Right ? Well , I suddenly become cold ,I felt like I am going to be sick . And as we sit in the waiting room I have flash backs of my mother being in that very same room and as I  write of it know I am tearing up . The Nurse came and asked for the son of Mrs. Richards and John stood up .She says ''I have to ask you a few questions ''he starts to follow her and as he walks by me ,he stops and told me to came on . I said '' I am ok .'' He tries again and to get me to come and I couldn't move  , Just sitting there so scared to have to walk throw those doors again . He finally went on . I sat there remembering her in there being so fragile ,so small . I miss her so much .Than John soon came back up at the door and says '' They are asking questions and I don't know the answers to.'' I get up and took a deep breath and walked threw the double doors .Walked straight to the room and fighting back tears answer the questions . I held it together the best I could . I told Smitty about it when John stepped out of the room .She said she was sorry '' and I replied '' Its not your fault of the room they put you in .'' I told her I loved her and and then we came home. The next day I called John and asked If I should bring the bed frame Cherokee had painted for her room and he says ''I thought you were going to the hospital?'' I said ''I am I just thought it was going to rain . He was like what ever ,Dear . I brought the bed in and did a house cleansing( I know sounds crazy , but it really works.) Myself and one of my daughters go to the hospital as we go up to her room and we walk up to the double doors my chest becomes tight  and I become angry ,as I watch  Smitt talk to me I begin to find it hard to understand what she is saying ,I can't concentrate and I become more frustrated not at Smitty , but uncomfortable I knew John was going to come and since you can only have to visitors at a time I told Smitt I loved her and so my daughter didn't have to sit in the waiting room alone we were going to go . As we left the hospital I began to feel less pain I was a mess all day yesterday ,I mean February 14th that was my grandfather whom just pasted away's Birthday,and the remembrance of my mothers tragic fight with Breast Cancer to wit tore her away from me . I am sorry that I have let you down . I am sorry that I can not be here for you at this time in need . I will be there as best I can for Smitt but I just can't go to ICU . My heart breaks I can  take of her at home and will do that until I die if need be , but I can not go to ICU at this time .I AM SORRY.........